Major updating is needed.

Sorry i haven't been around much as of late. I have been shcked into the post nuclear war world of Fallout3. so some updates.

1- decided on a name: Ashley Lynn Snyder (keeping mt last name)
2- Have and appointment to see a therapist on the 16.
3- EVERYONE at work knows and at least seems to be cool with it
4- Kong's last day at work in this Wednesday. I'll miss you buddy!
5- I was Beat up at a mall about 3 weeks ago for being "myself" but
it hasn't got me down any
6- Im single again. Had something going to a bit, but it didnt work out.
I have meet alot of people who just want to have sex with me
(must be the TG thing) but thats not what i really want. Some
days i feel so alone in the world.
7- I got my new hair. its just a clip in, but i like it.

thats all for now. have fun folks

Chashed and Burned: these are the worst days of my life

It was Lupes last day on Friday. We all went up to the Mermaid and had some drinks. I had a great time. There were a lot of people who didn't know i was transgendered who were surprised when they saw me, poor Mary. After most people had left a small group of us went up to Bella (much higher class place). I was sober by the time we left so Kong drove me back to the Maid so i can drive home. I should have had him take me home because just a mile away from home i fell asleep and crashed. Not into another car thank god! I took out a mail box and stop sign, went into a ditch, got airborn, and crashed into a bunch of trees. I'm allright but my car is totaled.
So now i'm dealing with the insurance company. I hope to be sitting in a used Dodge Caliber by sunday.

Back to It.

Well its been a crazy month sorry i haven't been around to tell you about it.

First off i did start hormones, but because a few different reasons i had to stop a week in. But for the most part i live as a women or try to anyways. I don't dress at work but all my bosses know now and support me. All they ask for is a heads up really. so that's cool.

I'm moving back in with my parents in 2 weeks, Oh-joy.

Sam has been a total bitch and i'm sick of her BULL SHIT! Shes moving out this weekend.

Ben spending a lot of time with Justin and Sara, my best friends. Been going to dennys, Mall of America, and just chilling a lot. Sara, your my biggest supporter and best friend thank you so much.

Well i have to be going, got to get ready for work. Have fun all.

Another monday gone by

Well its been a uneventful couple of days to be honest. I'm still alive and kicking so to speak. All most all of my free time has been spent resurching Hormone replacement therapy.
What is it?
What does it do?
What does it not not?
How do i get it?
Is this something that i really want to go thou?
What would my parents think?
Should i tell them before or after?
What about work?
How can i do this without insurance?

This is whats on my mind. I hope to find what i seek soon.

Wonderfull Weekend.

I must have gotten around 45 hours at work last week. That puts it at around $526 before the government gets there share. After work on Friday we went to the mermaid, bar right next to work. By we i mean a few of my coworkers a a boos or 3. I ended up taking off my shirt and showing off my "we are everywhere" tank that also have a picture of a rainbow on it. Like they don't think I'm gay already. But i had a lot of fun, so its all good.

On Sunday Justin, Timmy (my bro), and Sara (Tim's Girl) we all went to the Mall of America. Here's the catch thou. I went Dressed as a girl, or at least half way. I was waring Guys camo pants, Pink tank with a brown tank over it, and of course my new bra with my boobs. We had so much fun. You wouldn't believe how many looks i got. I was expecting to get looks but WOW. Not many people gave me a condescending look... it was mostly a "what the" or "oook..." kind of look. It was really cute when little kids noticed and asked there parents about it. There was this one little girl who just yelled "mommy mommy that man has boobs" We all just broke out laughing. it was so funny.

We were walking on the main level and there was these two guys walking toward us. One of them looks at me but just keeps walking. I hear someone behind me say "what the?". I turn around and both of those guys had stoped dead in there tracks staring right at me. So i give them a wink and a wave and keep on walking.

Hot Topic and Spencer's Gifts were some the better stores to visit. I was talking to two guys who worked at the Topic for a little bit. One of them, Jeff was his name, after a minute of talking to him he started flirting with me and gave me his phone number. I'm not gay, but i am Bi. So i might give him a call, but I'm a little scared to meet up with someone i don't know. Any Advise anyone?


Sara had brought her camera but we didn't get any pictures... perhaps next time. And there will defently be a next time.

Busy work week.

Well its been a busy week at work this week.... not over yet thou. I still have roughly 12 hours of work left. Do that will put it at around 5 hours Over Time for the week.

Well I told Lupe (friend and coworker) about who i really am. She accepted me so that's real nice. She wants to go shopping with me sometime. I don't think I'm ready for that thou.

This weekend might prove to be fun. My bro, his girl friend and myself are going to head up to MOA on Sunday. Should be really fun

thats all for now... i'm running late

Comming out update

Well its been an interesting couple of days for me. I have decided that it was time that I come out to my friends about my transgender or rather my female self. I had already talked to Amber at work about it. Shes a really nice girl and offered some advise about how to go about it. I decided that Friday after work would be the best time to talk to Matt about it. After work I waited in the parking lot. When he came out I told him everything. It went a lot better then i thought it would. He's still my best friend. After talking with him went got some food, sat in front of a bone fire for awhile and then went driving till like 4 in the morning. It was a lot of fun. Now i just got to go about telling my other friends... We'll see how that goes.

Saturday and Sunday i had a lot of fun. Kellee, one of my Sam's friends spent the whole weekend here. We picked her up on Saturday and went to the Mall. She's a nice person and vary accepting of me. At Hot Topic I got a new skirt and they made me try on these really tight red zebra pants... they were really freaking ugly. After the Mall we proceeded to get some food at Denny's with Andy, one of my friends.

Sunday was a lot of fun. I got to know Kellee a little. Sam, Kellee, and myself are going to try to get into a 3BR apartment sometime soon. We all talked outside... i got a little burnt. Later in the evening we all sat on the couch and watched some TV. Kellee and I ended up cuddling a lot that night. Looking back on it i think it pissed Sam off a little bit. Its not like i mean to "steal" her friend away or anything... and I'm not looking at dating Kellee. I'm just going thou really hard times right now, and having someone to hold and someone holding me just makes everything feel better for a short time. I know Kellee is ether gay or Bi, I'm not sure which. But i think she really likes it when I'm being my more "Female" self. I don't know.

Work today was good for the most part. Its end of quarter which means overtime... and i really could use the extra cash. I'm the first person to get trained into "shipments" so thats kind of cool.

Well thats all for now. Later people.

Holy Crap-

I spoke too soon. Yesterday was one bitch of a day. The FedEx system went down, and i hate dealing with those guys from UPS. But oh well, i got thou it didn't I.

I went shoping yesterday morning, and since I was shopping for a new skirt i thought "hey, might as well ware a bra and my boobs". Not many people noticed. One lady from the thrift store noticed something was up, but i don't think she figured it out. I wasn't able to find a skirt i like thou... so that sucks. Then I went to best buy to drop off my computer. Now I know that the Geek squad guy noticed. I didn't even realize it a first. I was carrying my computer bag with the strap on my left shoulder and the bag on my right.... So the strap was going right between my boobs. He didn't know what to think, it was cute. But anyways I had fun doing it and no one said anything about it.
.

another day

Well, Today isn't looking bad so far. So some reason i can't seem to get this shaving my legs down. Below the knee is fine. But once i get into my upper legs, it seems like my skin is really loose and it won't shave hardly at all. Anyone have any ideas? Prehaps i should let it grew and then wax it.

I'm going to head to the thrift store now. I want to see if i can find a good skirt.

Later-

Where to begin? Life have been crazy these past few weeks. With work, my self discoveries, and starting to date again. So lets cover it in that order.

Work:

Work as been O.K. latley. I've been flaking a little bit but i'm starting to come out of it.

Self Discoveries:

gender dysphoria- i know i talked a little about this last time. I still have a lot to learn on the subject and still need a whole lot of time to think about where i fit into it all. But in other news i've decided that its about time that i start telling all my friends. Should i do it all at once? One at a time? Should i tell Christy yet? or is it too soon? I'll tell Matt first and figure it out from there. I just hope i don't loose anyone as a friend.

Dating:
Christy is just amazing i and stop thinking about her. She seems vary open minded so i dont think i have to worry about her looking down at me for who i really am. But i'm going to keep that to myself for a little bit still.

Something new

Well it was another dead end weekend. But i've been doing more research and i've come across something that i feel describes who i am a lot better then the term "transgendered". Its called "gender dysphoria". In my case it basically mean I have a male body, but my mind is not sure which gender it should be. Theirs a lot more to it then that, but i'm still doing my reading and learning on the subject.

Here a picture i took while being board... and no those are not real boobs.

thats all for now, i'll add more when i get home tonight.

steam blowoff

Well i just need to blow off a little steam, not much just a tad. Christy is without a doubt the most wonderful person i've ever meet. And i know this even thou we've only meet the one time. But after that date she hasn't seemed like shes interested in me at all. She dosen't seem to want to talk on the phone. She dosent seem to want to chat online. She dodges questions i ask... like if she dosen't want to say she should just shy so and not just blow me off. I dont know. I'm probley just reading too much into it like i've been known to do.

But if i'm not i think i know why. I was so fucking stupid on that date. I should have just gone home after dinner. But no i had to invite her back to my place... that in itself isnt what i did wrong. But when we went to bed one thing led to another and that ended with me sucking on her nipples. it was so fucking stupid on my part. She must hate me for it. I knew i would find someway to screw this up.

does anyone out there have any advise?

general update

Well its been almost a month since I've done anything for this. not that anyone reads it anyways. So i have been email is this girl how I'd meet online. At first it seemed to good to be true. We had lots in common, everything from out general interests to hobbies even out personalty's seem to match quite well.

On saterday we decided to meet. like most of my first dates we meet at a coffee shop, only this time it was in Minneapolis and I've never driven down there before. After the coffee we walked around the park, talking and poking each other with sticks and pine cones. At that point i think thats where most of my dates would have ended. But we decided to head up to the walker sculpture garden. It was almost magical. after a while we found a place in the shade to sit and rest. We must have talked for some time before moving on. At that point both of us were in dire need of food. So we went to her place, it was a vary small studio apartment but it wasn't bad... I've seen a lot worse. It must have been about the size on my bedroom, a little bit bigger if you count the bathroom and kitchen. We ordered pizza and watched some TV. After a sometime of doing nothing we decided that we should head up to my place, about 40 minutes north. We sat down and watched a movie and then called it a night. For some reason we shared me bed. After lots of flirting and cuddling we both started to fall asleep. Well she did anyways i seem to have a problem with sleeping with other people next to me. But in the morning i made eggs and toast. We watched "top gear" which was totally rad because its my favorite show and she likes it as well. And then i took her home around 2ish. But anyways to sum it all up. Both of us had a wonderful time and she is worth the drive down there.

We have so much in common. She seems to be open minded and accepting of other people. Many shared hobbies and interests. She teaches yoga and belly dancing (i would like to see that one someday). Shes also going to school for a psych major. Shes taller then i am, long red hair, amazing legs, and the cutest nose i've even seen. I really hope were able to go out again.

I've been thinking about this transgender thing I've been talking about for the past 2 months. I now know that i don't fall under that role. I've decided that i am how i am and placing a false labe on myself in the hopes of it making my fell better isn't going to help me at all. I know i still have some things i need to work out with myself but i now know for certain that even thou i have a "female" side to my personalty that being female wont make is happier because i also have that "male" side as well. Perhaps its not about being male for female. I just need to find some kind of balance to it all, and at that point it wont be about being male or female. It will be about being myself.

I know know that i shouldn't be putting this in here and that i should take out everything about this topic from this blog. The reason i say this is because i'm worried what Christy would think about it. Would she be scared off by it? Would she think that i'm some sort of freak? Or would she be accepting of it and try to understand it and myself better? I don't know her extermaly well yet so i can't really say for sure. But if your reading this Christy, I would like to know what you think and how you feel about it.

cold play

I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sweep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own
I used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes
Listen as the crowd would sing:
"Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!"
One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of sand, pillars of sand

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can not explain
Once you know there was never, never an honest word
That was when I ruled the world
(Ohhh)

It was the wicked and wild wind
Blew down the doors to let me in.
Shattered windows and the sound of drums
People could not believe what I'd become
Revolutionaries Wait
For my head on a silver plate
Just a puppet on a lonely string
Oh who would ever want to be king?

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can not explain
I know Saint Peter will call my name
Never an honest word
And that was when I ruled the world
(Ohhhhh Ohhh Ohhh)

Hear Jerusalem bells are ringings
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can not explain
I know Saint Peter will call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world
Oooooh Oooooh Oooooh"

another week come and gone.

As the title says, another week has come and gone. I Helped Sam (short for Samantha) move in and unpack. Its nice having a roommate now. Sam is a really nice person. She has a great personalty and vary cute although she doesn't think that about herself. I've told her about my transgender side... i haven't really explained it fully yet but so far she has been really understanding and accepting of me. I'm so releaved about that. I don't have to hind who i am around her and worry about what she would think about me.

I would have to say that shes the kind of girl I could see myself having a long-term relationship with. But i know that will never happen but I'm happy with calling her my friend.

"At the end of the day, living situations are not really about gender or sexuality, but about individuals."

In other news. I have a new car now. Bought myself a 01' Buick la saber. Its bigger then my old ford and it doesn't get as good as gas mileage but i'm happy with it.

Rethinking of my transgender self.

I've been thinking this whole being labeled as transgender thing. Sure i don't think of myself as what traditionally is labeled as a "man", and I even consider myself as transgender. But do i want to fall under that traditional role? What i mean is that do i want to undergo hormone replacement therapy and all the surgery's? I think that i wouldn't been any happier with whom i am after all that jazz. So that leaves that question, where do i go from here? I want to be able to express myself public, in my home, with friends and family and all without the worries of people retaliating against me for it. I want to be able to where what i want, if that means I'm waring a skirt or a dress what does it matter?

In the past 100 years there have been major revolutions in out society that have shaken the public views, women voting, black voting, women in the army/workplace just to name a few. What if the next revolution is that gender revolution a revolution that blends the lines that divide the genders.

this has been just a few random thoughts of mine... i still need to think more about where i want to go from here.

Cars, Roommates, and the Transgender Issue

Well State Farm is decided to claim my car as a total loss. They gave me a choice, give them the car and I'll get $5800 or I can keep the car but then I only get $3700. The $3700 would be the smarted choice but i always hated that car so i'm talking$5800. Not what that mean is that i'll need to get a new car ans has luck would have it i've allready found one. Its a 02' Pontiac Grand Prix. Its going to cost $9300 so that means i need a auto loan. to make a long story short i'm going to be making $150 car payments now.

Samantha visited the apartment yesterday. She really liked it and it looks like shes going to be moving in on the 14-15 of this month. I'm really excited but worried about it at the same time. I don't know if i've ever talked out my transgenderism in this blog. But I consider myself to me a transgender male. I fell like and have always felt like my body didn't quite match up with what i felt it should be. I've been crossdressing for a few years now... ever since i got my first job. I'm not on hormones or anything and i like my life as a male but it fells wrong, everyday thinking that i was ment to be born a girl. I would like to start some kind of hormone therapy or one of those all natural things to grew breasts but it just scares me. But back to the roommates thing. I'm worried about what she'll think if she ever finds out. I think she would be accepting of me because is was with the gay straight alliance back in high school, but i cant help thinking that she'll not be so accepting of me. Should I be upfront and honest about it? Should i just lay low with it and hope she wont find out? I suppose that if i'm more open about it then it would be one step closer to being able to be whom i want to be.

May 29th

Sorry i Haven't been around for the past two weeks, things have been a little busy. Work is going great. For 4 weeks i was the top shipper in the cardio-vascular side. They decided to rewarded me with a 20 dollar gas card so that was really cool.

Not every thing has been good thou. The other day a storm came in. Wasn't that bad but it hailed and dented my car up pretty good. Also my computer fired so i had to go and buy another one. I went with a desktop this time around. I chose the Hp pavilion slimline (upgraded model). Cost $607.04 so i'm happy with what i got for such a low price.
500Gb hard drive
4Gb RAM
AMD Athlon 64 Duel Core 5200+ runs at 2.7GHz
built in Wireless

Back to good news. I found a roommate. Sam is her name... or Samantha i guess, but she goes buy Sam. She is A friend of my brothers. In a way i fell bad fro my bro because i know he really likes her, but i don't think she likes him in that way... but hey i could be wrong. Anyways she will be coming up here to take a look at the place on saterday.... i better get my butt moving on the cleaning thing. She'll be going to school while living here so her income will less then i like but were working out something where i'll pay more over the rent and she'll do more cleaning.

Well thats about all i can think of for now. I'll leave you with my newest work of art.

need a laugh?

inspired by the uninspired

Another weekend is coming to a close. Didn't really accomplish anything... other then doing the dishwasher and a few loads of laundry. I did go and see Ironman yesterday. It was great. Lots of action and witty hummer. I'd say 9 of of 10 stars. If you do decide to go see the movie wait intill after the credits are done before you leave. Theres another minute that sets up for another movie and it have Samuel l Jackson. Well, thats all for now. Later

The search continues

Well, life goes on as usual. I'm still looking for a roommate. I didn't think it would be this hard when i started looking. But thats all right I'll be fine. The sooner i get a roommate the better. I'm looking at getting rid of my Focus and getting a new or at least a new to me car. I did find onle a really like. Its a bit over priced and its a manual (still learning how to drive a manual). but other then that its perfect.


Standing on the rooftops
(Wait until the bombs drop)
This is all we got now
(Scream until your heart stops)
Never gonna regret
(Watching every sunset)
We'll listen to your heartbeat
(All the love that we found)

Scream your heart out
Scream your heart out

Life and questions

Today i wish to propose a question, but i have to give some background first. I've been single for some time now. And having moved out on my own recently I've gotten to be a bit lonely. So i found a free dating website and started looking around. After a few days i found this girl who seemed vary interesting. We've been emailing each other for a week now and I really like her. theres something about her that sets her apart from anyone I've ever met. In the little conventions we've had i've really gotten to know her. Heres the thing thou, shes blind. 100% blind at birth. So heres my question, Does that really matter? And how would that affect the relationship?

I'm not seeing her because i fell sorry for her, i'm not seeing her because i fell that i can't find someone who can see, and i'm not seeing her because i want to play the protector. But is she seeing me because its nice to have someone to drive her around to new places or someone who lessens the stresses of being blind? I dont really know what to think at this point, after all it is to early to say much of anything.

Day 1- intro to me

Well I guess i should start this train wreak by telling you all about myself. My name is Todd. I'm 21 years only. I work full time at MedTronic in there distribution center. I don't work for medtronic, i work for a local staffing agency. But I've been there for 10 months now and I'm working hard toward getting hired. Moved out onto my own about a month ago now. Thats been good, other then the fact my car keeps breaking down and i'm short on cash because of it.

well that all for now. later...